


i picture it soft and i ache

by stardustkiss



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Confessions, Confrontations, Driving, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Forehead Kisses, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hugs, Jealousy, M/M, Protectiveness, Rain, Secret Crush, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, yes its 3am hello readers ily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:34:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29397033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustkiss/pseuds/stardustkiss
Summary: Dream has been in love with Sapnap since highschool but has been hiding it from him. Sapnap falls for Karl months after being introduced to him by Dream, and Dream struggles to let go of these secret feelings.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Comments: 10
Kudos: 80





	i picture it soft and i ache

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii! its 3am! please enjoy this mess of me hurting dream’s feelings a lot a lot (i love him i promise promise) 
> 
> cw and or tw : 
> 
> • implied depressive episode 
> 
> • references to self harm / self punishment etc
> 
> please be safe and enjoy!! <3
> 
> title from strawberry blonde by mitski!!

It had always been Dream and Sapnap. For as long as he could remember Sapnap was right there beside him, it was only natural for him to become used to it, to expect it. Where Dream went so did Sapnap. It was comforting, it was right. It was how things were supposed to be. 

Except Dream was beginning to lose his hold on Sapnap, he was watching as his best friend slipped through his fingers into the hands of someone else. And he should be happy, he should congratulate him, but deep down he knew he wasn’t ready.

How was Dream not supposed to fall for Sapnap? He was always there for him. It was talking into the late hours of the night, dropping everything to make sure he was okay, following him to college, moving thirty minutes away, smiling the way he did when he saw him, laughing so hard his stomach hurt, hugging him until the pain went away. 

He had probably had these feelings for a long time, bottled up and ignored because they were best friends and that was enough. It was more than enough because Dream got to see him everyday, got to call him and have him come to him without a second thought. 

It had been years before he actually accepted it, questioning it over and over until it was unavoidable. The summer before Sapnap left for college when he told Dream he was glad they could be together again and Dream couldn’t stop thinking about how he could barely handle being apart. He thought of how Sapnap gave him a stuffed panda bear the day before he left, telling Dream to not miss him too much.

How could he not fall in love? When he was everything he had ever wanted and he was already the person he was closest to. Dream never made any moves, because he liked how it was. He didn’t want to make Sapnap uncomfortable, he didn’t want him to change how he acted. This was perfect, this was them.

When Sapnap was picking between colleges, he stayed at Dream’s apartment for a week. They hadn’t seen each other for months prior to that, and then they spent every second of a whole week together. 

Dream could listen to Sapnap go on and on about what he missed, telling stories of life at home and his old friends and things he probably shouldn’t have done but did anyways. It was different than hearing it over the phone, he adored the way Sapnap’s nose scrunched and his eyebrows raised, and the shy little smile. 

Having him leave after having him beside him again hurt like hell, Dream’s heart got ripped out even though he knew he’d see him again and he’d see him soon. He couldn’t hide it at that point, staring at their texts with his chest throbbing. He loved him. He always had. 

But he couldn’t say it. It was too much to say. The words felt too big in his mouth. He could barely whisper it to himself let alone look his best friend in the eyes and tell him. They were together, and for the longest time it didn’t matter how. He wanted him however he allowed him to, and his friendship through highschool to college had been more than enough.

Until it wasn’t. Until the possibility of Sapnap ever falling in love with Dream the way he had was gone and painfully naive. Karl came into Sapnap’s life like a storm, and Dream hated himself more each day for introducing them. 

He was a friend of a friend, not even in his “inner circle”, not somebody he talked to everyday, not somebody he hung out with often. It just so happened that Karl was overly friendly, that he had no trouble communicating what he wanted, that he could walk up to Dream and have him introduce him to Sapnap when he saw him in the halls during Sapnap’s second ever semester. 

Dream thought nothing of it at the time, common courtesy to introduce Sapnap to people he knew from college. When Dream thought about it most of Sapnap’s friends were also his friends, it definitely helped in keeping them close. And it’s not like Dream did it on purpose, he just knew Sapnap wouldn’t say the first word, he liked to keep to himself.

He’d never seen Sapnap fall for somebody so fast. Karl came out of nowhere and completely swept Sapnap off of his feet, he’d never ever felt as though he was losing Sapnap to anybody until his relationship with Karl. 

They had become good friends easily, Karl liked to reach out to people he enjoyed the company of, and he really liked Sapnap really quickly. He trusted his gut and kept asking him to hang out, until it just became second nature, and it wasn’t even a question anymore. 

Dream had never felt threatened by anybody Sapnap had gotten close to, not even romantically. He didn’t feel nervous or restless when Sapnap had his first relationship in highschool, or his second. As far as Dream was concerned these were just flings, just short-term crushes that eventually fizzled out. And he was right, because although they didn’t break up immediately, they did break up.

But things were different with Karl, they were so different that Dream couldn’t act like he normally did. He hated himself more and more each day because he was losing Sapnap because of himself. He had introduced them. He had failed to confess his feelings. He had missed his shot. He had held back for years. He was jealous. He was the reason he was too late, far too late.  
  


The day Dream began to really panic and feel the consequences of his lack of action was when Sapnap told him about the change in his relationship with Karl. They were in the car, driving to the grocery store, Sapnap in the passenger seat. He had the window rolled down, and leaned his head out, eyes closed. 

Dream looked at Sapnap through his peripherals, easy smile settling on his lips as he watched his dark hair fly in the wind. He looked so relaxed, so at peace, Dream liked when he looked like this. It made him feel good to see things going right for Sapnap.

“You’re in a good mood,” Dream murmured under his breath, the music came through the radio quietly, not overwhelming either of them. “A really good mood.” He added, a smile growing on his face when Sapnap leaned back into the car, tilting his head towards Dream with his bottom lip between his teeth.

“A very, very good mood.” Sapnap answered, his hair had been fluffed messily all around his face. He didn’t even care how he looked right now, he was on cloud nine and Dream was feeling lighter just being in his presence. “Dude, actually, um,” Sapnap rubbed his palms over his thighs, they were beginning to get sweaty, he was nervous.

Sapnap didn’t get very nervous to tell Dream things, unless he knew he did something wrong, or it was a story that barely avoided a bad ending. Dream drummed his fingers over the steering wheel, eyes trained on the road. It was good news, it had to be good news. He didn’t think he’d seen Sapnap get this giddy in a long time, it filled Dream with some sort of nervous energy. He wanted him to spit it out already.

“So, okay,” Sapnap stumbled over the very few words he managed to say, bringing his hands over his mouth and inhaling deeply. “Sorry, God, I’m nervous for some reason,” He murmured, his knee was bouncing and he refused to look at Dream.

“Take your time,” Dream reminded him, coming to a full stop at a red light and glancing over at Sapnap. He was blushing, from his ears to his cheeks, he was a light rosy pink. Dream’s eyes flickered over his face, heart throbbing in his chest. He always liked when he was flushed, when he got flustered and didn’t know how to handle himself. “You’re making me nervous too.”

“Shit, sorry, I know I’m all over the place,” Sapnap adjusted his positioning, wiggling in his seat until he had put his foot up so he had his knee to his chest. He rested his elbow on the centre console, his elbow touched Dream’s and Dream stared down at their arms. 

He felt warm where they connected, even though it was through both of their sweatshirts. He liked when Sapnap got close, it felt right. It was the closest he could get to confessing to him, it was the closest he could get to pretending he already had.

“Karl kissed me.” Sapnap finally got it out, the blush across his face had darkened considerably. He pulled the collar of his sweatshirt over his face and made a small noise akin to a squeaky sigh. 

Dream stared at their elbows touching. He felt so far away, Sapnap was touching him but he wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t his. Hell, he never was. Dream swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes felt hot, and he felt his desperation in his fingertips.

“When?” Dream asked, voice as steady as he could manage. He wanted to ask more. He wanted to ask ‘Why?’ he wanted to ask ‘Why him and not me?’ he wanted to look at himself in the mirror and scream ‘Why did you let this happen?’. Instead he composed himself, looked back at the flash of green and continued driving down the road. 

“Last night, I was talking about how I should go home and he kept complaining that I shouldn’t. And I didn’t but, anyways, um, yeah. He kissed me. It was like 1am and he just, God, he grabbed me by the hoodie,” Sapnap buried his face in his sweater even further, making a very loud grumbly noise and shaking his head. “Point is, he kissed me and, um, I’m really fucking happy about it.”

Dream stared at the road, he couldn’t look at anything else. He had to take his mind off of the numbing pain thrumming through his veins and mocking him in the back of his head. He had to be careful here, he couldn’t let his emotions get the best of him. He had hid how he felt about Sapnap for years, he could hide it for another conversation. He could hide it because he didn’t have a choice now. 

“Yeah?” Dream pushed himself to smile, straightening his posture and allowing himself a small breathless laugh. “I didn’t know you liked him…” Because he didn’t, he felt like a fool sitting here not having noticed the boy he loved was in love with someone else.

“I really wasn’t sure if I did, so I didn’t say anything,” Sapnap finally peeked out of his sweatshirt and his fringe was all messed up again. “I didn’t want to tell you in case it was just me being like. ‘Hey I really like hanging out with him, he's such a good guy.’ And that’s still true but, um, it’s more than that, Dream, it’s so much more than that. I’m rambling and I’m being stupid but, Dream, I’ve never felt this way.” Sapnap leaned his head back out of the window and grinned so brightly he just couldn’t get himself to stop.

Dream inhaled sharply, he turned to his own window, willing himself to hold back the prick of tears that threatened to dampen his eyes. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel and looked up into traffic again. He lost his chance. He lost it. There was no use being upset over it. Just be happy for him. Be a good best friend and be happy for him. 

“I like when you ramble,” Dream didn’t know how convincing he could be if he started lying his way through all these conversations, so he decided to ease his way in with truths. “You can talk to me about anything, I’m happy you told me so soon,” He breathed out and eyed the upcoming road signs. “It’s not stupid to love someone,” Dream paused and his mouth got dry as the words left his lips. Love. He couldn’t stop himself from asking. It was too late. “Do you love him?” 

Dream didn’t want to know the answer. He could live his whole life not knowing. He didn’t want Sapnap to love someone else but he didn’t want to keep him from loving someone simply because he hadn’t mustered up the courage to tell him he did. He didn’t want this. It was too late, everything was too late. Dream didn’t know what to do. He’d planned to spend the whole afternoon with Sapnap, and he felt like a shell of a person. 

“I don’t know, maybe,” Sapnap whispered quietly, voice barely audible. Dream softened, he had to look at Sapnap to make sure he hadn’t upset him. He knew just from the way he spoke that it was hard for him, now Dream felt even worse. At least he hadn’t made him cry. He still looked very shaky and restless. “Should I know already? I think I do?” 

“It’s okay to not know,” Dream quickly stepped in, he reached over and grabbed Sapnap’s forearm lightly. Sapnap relaxed in his grip and Dream ached so deeply he couldn’t begin to describe how badly he wanted to be closer to him. “You only found out he feels that way about you last night, you only realized that maybe you do at the same time. Don’t rush, don’t get too in your head.”

It was so rich for Dream to be saying that, and he knew it. He lived in his head and he wanted to get out. Dream went to let go Sapnap’s arm when Sapnap reached for his hand and gave it a little squeeze.

He wished he didn’t. Dream’s eyes flew to where Sapnap was holding him, he clearly did it without thinking, leaning back in the passenger seat and sighing in relief. It didn’t mean what it meant to Dream. It wasn’t as important to him. It wasn’t more than what it was, but Dream got in his head about everything. Especially when it came to Sapnap. And he _really_ wished he didn’t. 

Dream didn’t remember the last time he had time one on one with Sapnap. Ever since he started dating Karl, it would be stranger for Karl to not show up eventually. It wasn’t like Dream hated Karl either, it would be much easier if he just hated him. Karl was lovely, and that was half of the problem. There was no reason to hate him besides the fact he was dating the boy Dream loved. 

Karl was friends with Dream before he ever met Sapnap, and Dream always liked how friendly and funny he was. He could get along with anybody if he tried, and he was full of energy when it seemed like nobody else was. Karl kept Sapnap energized, kept him happy, kept him living eagerly waiting for the next day. How could Dream hate him for that? How could he hate someone who did nothing wrong? 

They were all at Sapnap’s apartment, Karl had only been here about thirty minutes. Dream was sitting at the dining room table, scrolling through his phone as Karl and Sapnap were sitting in the living room. Sapnap was sitting on the floor, Karl on the couch right behind him with his thighs on either side of his head, they were playing Mario Kart. Dream had been pretending this wasn’t bothering him for two months now. 

Karl was known to be touchy, with his friends, with his family, so it was no shock that he would be touchy with the person he was dating. Except it somehow continued to shock Dream, because he was so open with it, and he was so unafraid of touching him. Even as his best friend Dream still second guessed where to place his hand or if he even should put it anywhere near Sapnap, but here Karl was, putting it everywhere and anywhere. The worst part about it was Sapnap was so used to it he didn’t bat an eye anymore, didn’t shy away from it, just welcomed it. 

Dream wasn’t listening to what they were saying, mostly banter about beating each other as their characters zoomed around the race track. He was too busy watching the way Sapnap leaned his head back against Karl and Karl peeked down to make sure he was comfy. Too invested in the way Karl took his hand away from the joycon to smooth his fingers through Sapnap’s hair before continuing to play. 

It had been two months and Dream was still stewing in the possibility that this could have been his life. If he just got over himself and told Sapnap years ago instead of being scared of losing him, he could have not lost him anyways. He knew that Sapnap wouldn’t ever leave him, because they couldn’t function without each other. And it still stopped him from telling him. 

“Oh what a surprise? You’re still bad at the game?” Karl’s voice brought Dream out of his daze, he sat back in his chair and pretended to be on his phone again. Sapnap groaned, having come in second place to Karl like he always did. “Get better?” Karl continued, putting his hands on either side of Sapnap’s face and smiling down at Sapnap’s little pouty expression. 

“Listen I’m not bad, you’re just a sweat.” Sapnap mumbled, letting Karl tilt his head back towards him. Karl leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, laughing when Sapnap rested his head in his lap completely. “Why are you such a sweaty Mario Kart player? It’s literally Mario Kart.” He complained, hiding his smile as Karl kissed his nose.

“So what I’m hearing is you’re so bad you’re making excuses?” Karl grinned brighter when Sapnap reached up for him, grabbing Karl by the back of the head and pulling him down towards him. “I’m just a real gamer, unlike you.” He whispered, letting their lips touch briefly before sitting back up and humming. “Wanna play again?”

“Karl,” Sapnap huffed in frustration, abandoned with only the world’s smallest kiss known to man. He shifted so he was sitting more comfortably and he rubbed at the slight pain in his neck and pulled a face. “I don’t want to just keep losing, it feels bad.” 

“Aw, how about I let you win?” Karl buried his fingers in Sapnap’s hair and Dream’s eyes flickered over Sapnap’s face. Sapnap reached backwards and grabbed both of Karl’s thighs, sighing as he considered it. “Sike, I’d never let you win, no matter how cute you are.” 

“Idiot,” Sapnap rolled his eyes fondly, slight smirk on his lips as he softly patted at Karl’s pants, humming in thought. “Do you wanna go out?” He began to trace his thumbs over his belt loops as he brainstormed ways to cheer himself up.

“Um sure, but I thought you were already my boyfriend.” Karl softly scratched at Sapnap’s scalp and Sapnap scoffed at him, not being able to hide the adoring smile when Karl burst into laughter, so pleased with himself. Dream began to shake his leg as he watched, he couldn’t look away no matter how hard he tried. He’d been torturing himself like this for months. 

“You know what I meant. Food? Movie? Shopping?” Sapnap turned over so he was sitting on his knees in front of Karl and Karl looked down at him, grabbing him by the face again. Dream felt his heart beating in his head as Karl leaned down and kissed him, he couldn’t hear anything but the echo of regret bouncing against his skull. 

Two months and he still wasn’t used to it. He didn’t know if he would ever get used to it, and it kept him up at night sometimes. How was he supposed to stay as close with Sapnap as he was without not accepting he was in love with someone else? He couldn’t take time away from him, because he’d miss him too much and he knew it would hurt Sapnap’s feelings. He couldn’t explain it to him either, because he knew Sapnap would overthink it and something could happen between him and Karl. They had such a good thing going, clearly, Dream had been watching them because his eyes went wherever Sapnap did. He didn’t want Sapnap to not be happy because of him, because he was a selfish creature that wanted him all for himself.

“Dream?” Sapnap asked, or repeated. Dream blinked a few times, turning his head away from the ground and looking up at Sapnap who was now standing in the kitchen with Karl close behind him. Dream flushed in embarrassment, he didn’t know how long he’d been zoned out but Sapnap did look a little worried for him which made him think it was too long. 

“Sorry, yes?” Dream dragged a hand over his face and put his phone face down on the table. Sapnap shifted his weight from side to side and he watched his best friend refocus himself, he’d been noticing Dream getting more distracted lately but he didn’t know how to bring it up or if he should. 

“We’re thinking about catching a movie, wanna come?” Sapnap fiddled with his hands as he asked, Dream watched him crack his knuckles, and then raised his gaze to make eye contact. Of course he wanted to spend time with Sapnap, but he didn’t think he could handle it. In fact he knew he couldn’t handle it. He wouldn’t be able to watch a movie because he’d be watching Sapnap who would be watching Karl. As if he knew his name was in Dream’s head, Karl wrapped his arms around Sapnap’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder, also waiting for an answer.

Dream knew it was a terrible thing to wish, but he just wanted Karl to be easier to hate. He wished he was some terrible person who made terrible choices so that he could justify wanting to get Sapnap away from him. Instead he was the person that Sapnap leaned his head against, holding onto his forearms with a gentle grasp and smiling when he snuck a small kiss to the nape of his neck. Dream reminded himself this often, but it wasn’t enough for him. Sapnap was happy, he should be happy for him. Instead he was miserable, some friend he was.

“No thanks, I’m kinda tired.” Dream got up from his chair, grabbing his phone as he stood up. He cleared his throat and looked down at the time, it was only 4pm. He’d been having a rough time sleeping at night, and was just relying on sporadic naps throughout the day to keep him going through it. He was wallowing in his sadness and it was so obvious that he kept embarrassing himself. “You two have fun though, it’ll be a nice date.” He smiled and fished his car keys out of his pocket. “I’m gonna grab food then go to bed, I think I have another headache.” 

“Another one?” Sapnap frowned just as quickly as he had smiled, his eyebrows bunched up and he gripped at Karl’s arms a little tighter. Dream cleared his throat again, he hated upsetting Sapnap and he always managed to do it. He was shit at taking care of himself because he was addicted to convincing himself he deserved to feel like this. He’d been telling Sapnap about his daily headaches for about a week now, he was just worrying him everyday. 

“I’m fine, it’s nothing,” Dream reassured him, eyes unable to look away from the way Karl held Sapnap a little tighter, doing a much better job at making Sapnap feel better than he ever could. “It’s probably because I’ve been bad at eating and sleeping, I’m okay. Okay?” Dream smiled, managing to rip his eyes away from the arms around Sapnap that weren’t his and looking at his saddened expression. 

“Okay.” Sapnap nodded his head, Dream could tell he didn’t want to agree, but he wanted so badly to trust him that he agreed anyways. He had to do better, he had to be better, for him. 

“Next time we hang out it’s gonna be a sleepover,” Karl said softly, still peeking over Sapnap’s shoulder at Dream, a warm smile on his face. “That way we can make sure you’re actually eating and sleeping, and Nick can stop jumping to the worst possible conclusion.” 

“Karl!” Sapnap blushed, averting his eyes from Dream and now he was the one clearing his throat. It was a strange kind of comfort, knowing that Sapnap still cared about him the way he always did, and finding out he shared his concerns with Karl. It was weird knowing he was being talked about by his best friend to his boyfriend, but it was nice to know Sapnap hadn’t completely forgotten about him. Which was stupid, because logically Dream knew he couldn’t do that even if he tried, but Dream hadn’t been very smart lately. 

“I’m gonna be okay.” Dream swallowed the lump in his throat, he couldn’t take his eyes off of Sapnap now that he had started shying away from his gaze, so embarrassed he could barely hold a conversation anymore. “Nick,” He watched Sapnap’s head twitch and his eyes flicker over to look into his. “I’m gonna be okay.” He repeated, and Sapnap nodded slowly. 

Dream didn’t know if he was saying that to get it into Sapnap’s head or his own head, but he felt that it had the same effect. They both needed to hear it, and Dream needed to be held accountable. He needed someone else to hear him and keep him in check, he needed to be okay, because if he didn’t get over this soon he had a feeling there was going to be a worst possible conclusion, and nobody was going to like it. 

  
Dream said he wouldn’t, he vowed that he wouldn’t, but he did it anyways. He kept his distance from Sapnap for a few days, but of course he couldn’t be upfront with the reason why. He didn’t think he’d be able to ever tell Sapnap he couldn’t bear to hang out with him because he was still in love with him and he was so painfully not. So he blamed it on the headaches, blamed it on his rapidly declining health that was the direct consequence of having his heart broken by himself. 

He was on day four, and the only reason he hadn’t missed Sapnap as much as he thought he would was because he had been sleeping the entire time. He’d had maybe two and half meals, mostly running on snacks and lukewarm water from water bottles he forgot about. He hadn’t talked to anybody, in fact he turned off all notifications and hadn’t looked at his phone unless it was so he could turn on a show and watch it all day. He let his phone die a couple times, feeling this strange euphoria from being so disconnected from everything that was happening around him.

Dream couldn’t help but think he was being overdramatic, that he was playing this out too long. It had been two months and a little under a week, and he was still hiding under his blankets thinking about how much better he’d feel if he was the one kissing Sapnap. But the truth was if Karl hadn’t come along and Sapnap didn’t fall in love with him, Dream probably would still be hiding his feelings regardless. He never had plans to tell him, ever. His whole plan since he was a teenager was to just keep being friends, and he was doing that until Sapnap fell in love with someone else. 

How could he be mad at anyone but himself? How could he take this out on anyone but himself? It was more complicated than that, because while he was fine hurting himself, Sapnap was not. Sapnap was almost taking this harder than Dream was, because he had to watch his best friend turn into a version of himself he hoped he’d never meet. This was just another reason for Dream to hurt himself, because he was hurting Sapnap, but that only hurt Sapnap more. There was no winning, Dream had to keep himself away from him before it got out of control.

Dream needed to take a step back because the more he saw Sapnap frown and worry, the more he blamed himself and the worse he got. It was this frightening cycle that he didn’t want to get too comfortable with, he needed to find a way to break it in a way that spared both him and Sapnap. But he’d been sleeping all day and watching crappy sitcoms, he was avoiding reality even when he purposefully took a break from everything going on in his life to focus on these problems he had created in his head.

He rolled over in his bed with a loud groan, he stared at the dishes on his bedside table and the discarded water bottles and he rubbed at his eyes. He needed some fresh air, he needed to go for a drive with the windows down and just get out of his head for a while. Dream got up out of bed, and changed his clothes for the first time in those four days. 

  
  


When he got into his car he just started to drive, not paying attention to where he was going. He didn’t plan the route, just went wherever he was taking himself, it didn’t matter if he got lost, it would give him something to do. He had been driving for a little under an hour when it began to rain and he sighed, rolling his windows back up. At least he got to smell the rain, fresh and earthy and grounding. It was one of his favourite scents, it never failed to put him at ease, remind him that he was alive and he’d gotten through everything life had thrown at him so far. 

Dream kept the music in the car low, making sure he could hear the raindrops tapping the roof of his car and dripping down the glass. Maybe he’d park somewhere and stand in the rain for a few minutes, let it wash him clean a little bit, help him feel a little more human. 

Before Dream could process where he had driven, he was already in the parking lot of his old highschool. Their old highschool, this was where he had met Sapnap, and it was where he fell in love with him, and it was where they became best friends. It was special, in that far away, untouchable moment in time kind of way. There was no way to replicate the feeling of being there and being with Sapnap again because those versions of them didn’t exist anymore. 

That being said, Dream was still in love with Sapnap. He was in love with the version he met in highschool and he’d loved every single version since then. He had never stopped loving him, because his love grew alongside them. In every single memory, old or new, he looked at the time he spent with Sapnap and he smiled, it lit a fire in his chest and there was no better feeling. 

Dream kept the engine idling as he opened his car door and stepped out. He shut the door behind him and walked into the centre of the parking lot, dark asphalt under his feet, the puddles forming in the dips of the school road soaking through his shoes. He tilted his head up towards the sky, thick grey clouds pushed through the sky, and small droplets of rain fell onto his skin.

Tiny dots of ice cold water ran down his face, over his eyebrows, eyelashes, the bridge of his nose, the speckling of freckles on his cheeks, his chin. His hair got darker as it began to dampen, rain dripping down the ends of his hair. He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and held his breath for as long as he could. 

He curled his hands into fists, pressing his nails into the palm of his hands and letting the rain pour over him until he was so cold he couldn’t feel much. Then he exhaled, and screamed up into the rain. Everything he had been holding back for weeks, for months, for years. He screamed and screamed, it rattled through his body, mixing hot tears with cold rain. Until no sound came out and his head felt like it was about to explode, he screamed. 

The ride back home had been a quiet one, slow and lingering. He wasn’t in a rush to go anywhere, he stopped for a warm drink and sipped on a latte as he found himself at red lights. He felt better, much better, about everything. Except maybe the pounding in his temples and the looming dread of having to face Sapnap eventually. But for now, this was the best he’d felt in months. He had gotten it out, and he’d get home, take a headache tablet and go to sleep. 

Except when Dream parked his car in the parking lot he couldn’t help but notice a very familiar car parked in the visitors parking spot. He held his breath, holding his empty to-go cup and staring at the unmistakable silhouette of Karl Jacobs in his car, waiting for Dream to get home. 

This was not the best time, but then again what other time was there? This was the first time Dream had left the house in days, he wasn’t answering texts or calls or anything, and he hadn’t made an effort to reach out to anybody this whole time. He was fully aware he had completely disappeared without warning, painfully aware of it. 

He had run out of things to pretend to grab in his car, there was no way to stall convincingly. He just had to get out of the car and be confronted. At least Sapnap hadn’t come with him, Dream knew it wouldn’t be pretty if he had to face his best friend right now. He’d just finished yelling into the rain at the top of his lungs over him, this was not a good time to see him. 

Dream got out of his car, clutching his cup and shoving his car keys into the pocket of hoodie pocket. He locked the door twice just to make sure, and watched uneasily as Karl turned off his engine and stepped out of his car about a minute later. The sound of his car door shutting across the parking lot made Dream’s shoulders shoot up, even though he knew it was coming. 

Karl wandered across the parking lot, and Dream had probably never been so scared of someone in his whole entire life. This was Karl, an all around good guy who had done nothing but make him and his friends smile, but right now Dream knew he was in trouble. He knew he had done something wrong and he knew this was not going to be a casual visit to hang out, he was going to be told exactly what he did wrong and he was going to have to own up to it.

“Dream.” Karl greeted when he got close enough, he was wearing a white hoodie, the hood up over his hair, the rain drizzling down on the two of them. “Can we go inside to talk?” He nodded towards Dream’s apartment building and Dream fumbled with his house keys in the pocket of his sweatpants. 

“Hey Karl,” He lamely replied, looking down at his feet and nodding his head slowly. Dream’s hair had only just finished drying in the car ride back home, and now it was getting wet all over again. He began to inch towards the path to the apartment door, dragging his feet as he walked. “Yeah, sure.” He didn’t think he’d ever been so bad at talking in his whole life. 

The time it took Dream to lead Karl into his apartment were some of the most painfully awkward minutes he’d ever experienced. Neither of them said a word as they walked through the apartment building, through the hallways, up the stairs and finally to his door. Dream had to hold his breath while unlocking his door, so aware of the way Karl was watching his every move.

They shuffled inside of his apartment, Dream locked the door behind them and Karl took down his hood and shook out his hair. Dream awkwardly threw away his empty cup and slipped out of his shoes, looking around his front room wondering where the best place for a conversation would be. Karl took off his shoes and made his way into the kitchen. So this would be a kitchen conversation. 

Dream followed Karl like a dog with its tail between its legs, he watched Karl lean against the counter with his arms folded over his chest and Dream felt the weight of his actions tumble onto him. He’d never seen Karl so serious before, that definitely added another layer of anxiety to his already unprepared state of mind. 

“Look, you already know why I’m here,” Karl said with a heavy sigh, shutting his eyes as he gathered his thoughts before laying it all out on the table for Dream to take in. Dream’s hands began to tremble. So Karl knew everything? He found out his darkest secret? Everything was ruined and there was no going back? He’d lost everything? “I’d probably hate me too, I don’t blame you for that.”

What? Dream raised his head to look at Karl’s face. Wait, _what_? Dream’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, this conversation was taking a turn he somehow was even less prepared for than having his secret crush on Karl’s boyfriend exposed. All the gears in his head were turning at once, so he didn’t just manage to hurt Sapnap through this but he had also hurt Karl so badly that he thought he hated him. Great. Phenomenal. 

“You don’t have to like me Dream, you really don’t. But I’m not going to sit here and let you pull away from Sapnap like this, I’m not letting you hurt him.” Karl glanced into Dream’s eyes, his gaze was unmoving, steady, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. The only way he was leaving this apartment was if he was agreed with. “I’m sorry if you think I’m taking your best friend from you, I’m willing to spend less time with him if you need more time with him. What the hell were you thinking? Abandoning him like this? I didn’t even tell him I was coming here, I had to sneak out to talk to you.” Karl’s eyebrow quirked in irritation, the frustration was settling in and he was growing angrier the more he talked about it. 

Dream was back to looking down at the floor. He felt small, incredibly small. He knew full well that he ran away when things get tough, and you can’t just do that. Hearing Karl call out his bullshit made him so humiliated he only wanted to run again, he had to find an alternative, but he was so used to this. 

“I felt like a bad friend for getting upset.” Dream whispered under his breath, voice raw and weak from his screaming match with the sky. Karl recognized the strain immediately and he leaned forward a bit, not being able to hide the concern from his face. “He’s always been just mine so I think I got scared, and I’m sorry.” He kept pushing himself to talk, he didn’t think he could forgive himself if he didn’t try to explain himself to Karl. 

“He doesn’t belong to anybody,” Karl pushed the sleeves of his hoodie up to his elbow and he pressed his lips together as he chose his next words. “And I don’t think you need to be apologizing to me… This isn’t between us, it never was, was it?” He let his arms fall to his sides and Dream looked up at him, eyes wide, pupils shaking with fear.

So Karl did know. Or he had just figured it out. Or something like that. Dream didn’t know what to do now that Karl knew his secret. Should he beg him not to say anything? Should he deny it? Should he apologize again? He knew Karl, but not incredibly well. Was he the type to tell secrets? Was he the type to use secrets as bargaining chips? 

“You look at him the same way I do.” Karl spoke and it was like the spell was broken, Dream was out of his head instantly and he looked at the softness in Karl’s eyes. “It didn’t take me long to figure it out Dream, you’re really bad at lying.” He laughed gently, pushing himself off of the counter and standing up straight. “You’re so, so lucky that Nick is even worse at taking hints.” 

Dream let out a small chuckle, the nervousness rose out of his body like smoke, and he felt like he could breathe again. This felt almost as good as yelling into the rain did, this felt incredibly freeing. Having someone know about his secret so it just wasn’t a secret anymore meant that he didn’t have to be so weird about it anymore. It really helped that Karl wasn’t treating it like some big thing either, he was just talking about it casually, Dream didn’t feel like it was some great big taboo thing anymore. 

“He uhm, didn’t realize for about five years, I think,” Dream whispered, keeping his voice low in hopes of not stressing his voice out anymore. Karl laughed loudly, clutching his hand over his mouth and barely stifling his chuckle. Dream grinned brightly, shaking his head weakly, this was a bit ridiculous now that he could really think about it. 

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh,” Karl cleared his throat, he stopped laughing but he couldn’t wipe the grin off of his face. Dream knew he wasn’t being laughed at, just the situation, how it all turned out. “I’m surprised you lasted five years, I lasted a semester.”

This time Dream laughed first, he didn’t remember the last time he laughed. Karl joined in almost immediately, this weird bond formed between them as members of a club of people who have crushes on the most oblivious person they knew. The sound of them echoed off of the walls and Karl rubbed at his eyes, he obviously hadn’t gotten much sleep, probably worried sick over Sapnap who was worried sick over Dream. 

“I mean, I guess you’re stronger than me man,” Karl smiled, shrugging lightly as he eyed the clock on Dream’s microwave. It was almost midnight, he’d have to get back to Sapnap’s soon, and he’d have to explain himself too. “One semester and I yanked him by the hoodie, I almost choked him out before we had our first kiss.” Karl rubbed his hand over his face and then grabbed his keys from his pocket. “I should probably thank you for having patience, but if it comes down to it and we have to fight, I swear I’ll kill you.” He shook his keys at Dream with a small yawn and Dream honestly didn’t know if he was joking about that last part. 

“I’m stronger but at what cost?” Dream sighed softly, unlocking his door for Karl and watching him slide back into his shoes, fixing the backs of them as they stood in a comfortable silence. “He told me, but he missed out the whole choking part. My guess is he was so thrilled to kiss you he didn’t even notice.” He smiled as he spoke about it, which was something he didn’t think he’d ever do, but here he was, still himself, but a version he liked much better. “You won fair and square Karl, you don’t have to kill me. I promise.” 

“Good, because I will fight dirty for him.” Karl stood back up with his shoes on properly and he put his sleeves back down and his hood back on. “I’d do anything for him,” He trailed off and they made eye contact, Dream nodded in understanding. “I love him, Dream. You don’t have to worry.” Karl pulled the front door open and lodged himself in the doorway, a small smile on his face as Dream’s shoulders slumped gently, nodding one more time. 

“I won’t worry anymore.” Dream reassured him, the quake in his voice from overuse definitely wasn’t the most comforting thing, but the flush of Dream’s cheeks made up for it. Karl laughed lightly, halfway out the door as he gave a gentle wave. “Goodnight, I’ll probably see you tomorrow where Sapnap either bear hugs me or decks me in the fucking face.” 

“You’re lucky I didn’t do it first,” Karl teased, stepping out of the apartment completely. Dream stood in the doorway as he watched Karl make his way down the hall, walking backwards for a few seconds. “Goodnight, get some sleep, and eat something. Never get beat up on an empty stomach.” He grinned, spinning around and making his way down the hall.

Dream rolled his eyes softly, a grin on his face as he watched Karl disappear down the stairway. He went back into his apartment and closed the door, locking it and then tapping his knuckles against it slowly. His head was still throbbing, his throat was still raw, his room was still a mess, he was still running on one latte, and hadn’t showered in days. He had a lot to do before tomorrow. But first thing’s first was turning his phone back on. 

He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, he held down the power button and patiently watched the logo stare back at him. When everything was back up and running he stared at the thirty text messages he had missed and the ten missed calls. He inhaled through his teeth, most of them were from Sapnap. No wonder Karl came here and waited in the rain for him to get back. 

His thumbs moved over the keyboard, and he hit send.

_: I’ll see you tomorrow Nick, promise._

  
Dream went to bed at 3am after he had done all of his chores, the only reason he fell asleep was because the medicine he took for his headache made him drowsy and he couldn’t fight sleep any longer. It felt nice to wake up to clean sheets, clean hair, and a clean room. His head didn’t feel heavy anymore. He chugged the water he left himself on the bedside table and looked down at his phone. 

Sapnap had texted back two hours ago. Dream’s thumb hovered over the message app, he didn’t even know why he was nervous anymore. He opened up the message and read it a few times.

_: Hurry up I miss you_

He pressed his hands onto his eyes and he smiled brightly, he missed him too. He missed him a lot actually. Dream threw his blankets off of him and hurriedly made the bed, fluffing his pillows for good measure. He had a lot to tell him, a lot to explain, and for once he didn’t feel any impending doom from seeing him again. He just felt relieved. 

Dream got himself in the car with his freshly toasted bagel, starting the car with a mouthful of his breakfast and peeking at his mirrors while chewing. It had been four days and to most people that didn’t really seem so long but Dream lived thirty minutes away, went to the same college, and barely went two days without seeing Sapnap let alone double that. 

He finished his bagel at a red light, and then chugged his iced coffee at the next one. This was his first proper breakfast in those four days, and if he was hanging out with Sapnap today he was guaranteed to be eating lunch and probably dinner if he spent the whole day with him. And he probably would, because that’s just how they hung out. 

It was almost 12pm when he got to Sapnap’s apartment, hopping out of his car, double clicking the lock button and making his way to the door. He texted Sapnap that he was downstairs and spammed the little buzzer announcing his arrival, listening to the click that signalled the door had been opened for him. Dream then made his way to the elevator, sending Sapnap a picture of his reflection in the elevator door. 

By the time he got to Sapnap’s apartment door he went to knock and the door was flung open before his hand could touch the wood. Dream looked down at Sapnap, who was out of breath and at a loss for words. Dream opened his mouth to say something but Sapnap jumped at him, wrapping his arms around his neck and pushing both of them out of the apartment. 

Dream’s eyes widened, arms immediately coming up and wrapping around Sapnap, stumbling backwards until he steadied himself in the middle of the hallway. Sapnap hugged Dream tightly, burying his face against his shoulder and exhaling shakily. 

“Hey,” Dream said softly, getting launched back into the wall when Sapnap stopped hugging him and instead pushed him backwards. Sapnap’s face was a mess of emotions, eyes flickering over Dream trying to get them all sorted out.

“Idiot, you fucking idiot,” Sapnap muttered, throwing his hands up in frustration and pursing his lips as he looked at Dream in front of him. “What the hell? ‘Hey?’ You stupid idiot, you asshole,” Sapnap raised his voice a little bit, the hurt was visible on his face and Dream’s surprise faded into guilt. “I hate you, I thought you were dead, you’re so dumb.” Sapnap had tears in his eyes when he mumbled this, he reached forward and buried himself in Dream’s chest again, whining as he had trouble guiding Dream’s arms to wrap around him. 

Dream got the memo and hugged him tightly. Sapnap sighed in satisfaction, melting into his arms and shutting his eyes comfortably. This wasn’t how he pictured their reunion happening, but it’s what he got and it was kind of perfect. He was holding Sapnap in the hallway when the apartment door opened all the way and Karl leaned against the doorframe. 

“There’s breakfast if you’re still hungry,” Karl murmured, easy smile on his face when he offered Dream a small wave, Dream could only nod back, Sapnap would kill him if he pulled away first. Sapnap turned his head, cheek pressed to Dream’s chest. Of course he was still hungry, Sapnap was always hungry and would eat almost anything. Sapnap stepped out of the hug first, turning around and making his way to Karl. “Banana chocolate chip pancakes,” Karl said, watching Sapnap’s teary eyes light up. Karl’s hand brushed through Sapnap’s hair and he placed a kiss on his forehead. “Hurry before they get cold.” 

“Kay,” Sapnap whispered back, a shy little smile on his face before he tugged at Karl’s arm. “Eat with me.” He said under his breath, earning himself another kiss, right above his eyebrow. 

“I will, just one second.” Karl chuckled when Sapnap kissed his cheek and stroked his hand over Karl’s waist as he walked past him. Then Karl turned to Dream who was still standing dumbfounded in the hallway and he stepped aside in the doorway. “I was really hoping you’d get punched, not gonna lie.” 

“I feel like I just was.” Dream said, finally peeling himself off of the wall and attempting to collect himself. So much had happened in one minute he felt like everything was going so fast and it was way easier than he had assumed it would be. “Thanks for yesterday, I really needed it, like really badly.” He shrugged his shoulders and Karl waved Dream into the apartment, closing the door behind them. 

“No problem, I did it for Sapnap,” Karl mirrored Dream’s shoulder shrug, and he peeked over into the dining room where Sapnap was sitting with his food, waiting for them to join him for breakfast. “Did you eat?” 

“Um, just a bagel.” Dream followed Karl’s gaze to watch Sapnap struggling to not eat without them and he smiled easily. “I could go for a pancake or two.” He kicked his shoes off and followed Karl into the kitchen. 

Sapnap lit up at the sight of them, urging them to hurry up because he was starving and he didn’t want to eat cold pancakes after Karl had worked so hard to make them. For the first time in months Dream was able to sit down at the table with the two of them and not feel weird about it. He felt like he was actually included instead of just being there, instead of just being a burden to their everyday life. 

Dream came to terms almost instantly with the fact that he never once was a nuisance to them, he was just that in his own head. Now that he was out of it and in the present, he could actually enjoy himself, and their company. He could look at Sapnap staring at Karl with hearts in his eyes and it didn’t hurt as much, in fact it didn’t really hurt at all. He looked at Karl to see the same look in his eyes, watching Sapnap compliment his cooking and talk about the weird thing he dreamt about. 

It was okay that Sapnap loved somebody else, he knew that now. It wasn’t like he wasn’t loved by Sapnap, it wasn’t like he was going to stop loving him anytime soon. He knew that now, and he was comforted by the knowledge. He knew it all along, but he probably just needed to be reminded. Dream yearned and he ached, but it was soft, and it was worth it. 

Sapnap was worth it. Being by his side was enough, watching him smile was enough, knowing that he was loved, really loved, was enough. Dream would probably always love Sapnap, at least a version of him would love a version of Sapnap. 

The rain took his confession, held it close and let it back out into the grey sky. The words had reached someone who loved Sapnap, and someone who Sapnap loved back, and Dream was comforted by it. The bottle that Dream had been so reliant on all these years was finally empty, finally smashed out on the asphalt. Reality had sunk into his skin, and the reality was it was going to be okay, and he was okay, and they were okay. 

His eyes flickered back and forth between Sapnap and Karl talking over their breakfast, about everything and nothing. And when both sets of eyes settled on Dream asking what he’d been up to he didn’t feel embarrassed, or humiliated, or singled out. He felt included, he felt wanted, he felt accepted. 

Dream had been so caught up in who he loved, and what versions of them he loved that he missed what was so blatantly obvious. It was right under his nose the whole time. The people in his life loved him, and not just this version of him. Dream had been loved this whole time, every version, and all the versions to come.

He was loved. And he was okay. And it was soft. And it was love, it always had been. 

**Author's Note:**

> ive been writing this for hours and hours without any breaks and now its 3am so please excuse me hehehe
> 
> everytime i listen to any song ever i just get an idea and have to write it, i have like two more oneshots planned because of it
> 
> hope this didn’t make anybody too sad!! happy ending happy ending!! theyre besties still <3 and thats okay hehe <33 
> 
> oh to scream in an empty parking lot while its raining in the middle of the night......
> 
> hehe goodnight! thank you for reading!


End file.
